Last month I traveled back to Wales and was reunited with my old written journals from my teenage years. All I had to do was pack them into my suitcase and I’d be ready to start my main 2018 project: destroying the journals and making new art from them in an attempt to make peace with the past.
However, I received some unsolicited opinions on one of my Instagram posts about the project and, being the indecisive person I am, was thrown back into doubt. Am I going to regret this in the future? Will this turn out to be a huge mistake? I was plagued with the same old questions, but I packed the journals in my suitcase nevertheless.
I tried to remind myself of the last time I was sure I wanted to start this project. Just before I moved cities in October, I saw that my favorite band from my teens (The Offspring) were playing shows near my new place. Not only that, but they were playing an album that had been really important to me and got me through some tough times – I had to see them! I was a little apprehensive that they would be washed up and nowhere near as good as I hoped, but any worries about that disappeared as soon as they hit the stage. They were phenomenal and it was one of the best concerts I’ve been to.
Just before the band played a special stripped down version of one of my favorite songs (Gone Away), Dexter Holland talked briefly about how the song had changed for him over the years and how it means something different to him now. The version they played was beautiful and I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried my eyes out. I was crying because of how amazing it sounded, but I was also crying because I knew exactly what he meant. During their set, I could feel the songs take on a whole new meaning to me. I will always remember the pure joy of that night whenever I listen to their songs now, and not the sadness that I used to feel. I felt like I was making peace with part of my past and I wanted to continue.
Even though I reminded myself of this, almost a week after New Year, I still hadn’t touched the journals. I almost put them in the closet to forget about, until a couple of days ago when I was pulling tarot cards for the year ahead. When I revealed the card for the overall “theme” of the year, I couldn’t help but smile. I pulled the Six of Chalices (Cups). I’m still in the process of re-learning the meanings of tarot cards, so I consulted the little book included with my deck to confirm what I thought it meant. I liked this extract:
The world can be harsh and unforgiving, and it’s easy to let the sorrow and grime of daily living dull the vibrant shine of your existence. But the river that flows through the Six of Chalices offers a chance to buff it clean. Renew yourself. Break the cycles of suffering… ~ James R. Eads
I’m sure the card will mean even more to me as the year goes on, but I took it as a sign that now is the time to start this project. I don’t want to erase memories (trust me, as long as I am capable, I will always remember my past) but I want to extract the positive, break cycles, and make peace. It also wouldn’t hurt to make my embarrassing angst a little more cryptic in case the journals fall into the wrong hands!
I just need to make one last decision… which journal do I use?!